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Moms & Women Without Kids Really Are In Different Sororities

When I was a teen, a college student, and finally, a young adult in the world, I heard many, many things about what to expect when I had a child. Because, of course, I would have a child. I wanted children. Of course, it would happen in good time, right?

In high school, I can’t remember exactly how I learned the details of episiotomy, but I do remember that the knowledge messed me up.  An incision — a snipping — of the tissue between the vaginal opening and the anus believed for years to aid in childbirth. It’s not as common a practice now. Yay.

In my junior year of college, a dorm-mate dropped out late in her pregnancy. A group of us visited her after the birth. We watched spellbound as she unveiled what used to be a highly sexual breast so that the baby could feed from it. She admitted that sometimes the baby’s sucking turned her on.

Years later, during one of my best friend’s pregnancies, she told me that a horrific bout of hemorrhoids left her crying on the bathroom floor.

If I’d actually given birth to a child, all this info would have been helpful. Child-Free Me, on the other hand, only heard a lot of assumptions and opinions from others. Hard facts? Those I had to figure out for myself.

In talking with Momfriends, or rather, women who I wanted to be my Momfriend, I realized many have access to a vast social network that exists like a secret Harry Potter avenue. They didn’t necessarily ask for or want the network, but it’s at their disposal just the same. Repeated occasions to be social, to meet new adults and to mine new business connections. All with people already vetted to have something in common with them: parenthood.

Working the bake sale table. Fulfilling assignments as Class Mom. Interacting with people they would have never met in a zillion years if it weren’t for their child.  Not every connection is a winner, but not to worry; there’s another opportunity on the way. Heck, somewhere in L.A. there’s a woman who sat next to Britney Spears at a soccer game.

It’s a really beautiful thing when it works right. Moms who were thrown together as monitors on a 5th grade a field trip to D.C. bond so well that they’re still friends when the grandchildren come. No stats on it. Who knows how often it really happens? My focus is opportunity. 

The fact that there’s a deeper dimension of the “parenthood as private club” theme was a revelation to me.  Like the day you realized most of the biggest decisions in the world are settled on a golf course somewhere.

There’s nothing to be “done” about it: No woman would have a child only in hopes of snagging a Friend For Life (I hope), and crashing a PTA meeting is crazy, too.  It is what it is. (I hate that phrase, but it works perfectly here.) NotMoms have to work a little harder to find each other, that’s all. As for parents, fatigued, stressed and all the rest, I hope they don’t take this side benefit of their club for granted.

4 Comments to “Moms & Women Without Kids Really Are In Different Sororities”

I’ve been close to a few women during their pregnancies, including my currently-pregnant best friend who is the self-professed “world’s worst pregnant lady” and tells me about her congestion and heartburn. We’ve already gotten to “when will July be here?”

My own mother had several friends who were parents of my and my siblings’ friends, but not a one is in her current social circle. I have a hunch that BestMomFriends doesn’t happen as often as one might wish. But I agree that parents have an advantage in the numbers game that is meeting people you click with.

I actually meant to comment on this entry before the comments were closed:
http://thenotmom.com/childless-or-childfree-women-know-its-all-about-choice/
because it’s similar to the story I expect to be telling in ten years (turning 36 this month, been married less than a year, trying to start my own business and don’t know that I expect to be in a child-allowing financial position until I’m older than I’d like to be trying to start a family). I wrote a comment and then unthinkingly clicked something and of course the comment disappeared forever!

Anyway, I check in regularly and thought I should de-lurk. Thank you for this site!

    Thank you so much for de-lurking!

“As for parents, fatigued, stressed and all the rest, I hope they don’t take this side benefit of their club for granted.” My guess is that (like many privileged male executives, in the past if not in the present) they don’t even realize they have it. :p

    Good insight – It may be optimistic to think it doesn’t happen in the present, though. Thanks for your comment.